Tired

 

I’m tired. I’ve pushed hard for several years to write the memoir, to work through Jerry’s cancer, to market my speaking. And I’m tired. This is a transition/sabbatical year. I’m waiting on God to purify my heart so I’m not angry about how this is playing out. It’s not what I’d expected. I’m asking him to help me rest in him and know that productivity does not equal value. I’m wondering if it’s okay to say, “I’ve done my part. I’ve saved several people’s lives as a therapist.” And “I’ve been obedient to the call to write the memoir.” As several people have said to me recently, “Perhaps the memoir is an offering, a sacrifice, to the Lord.”

Yes, perhaps it is a whole burnt offering. Unlike other Old Testament offerings, a whole burnt offering doesn’t leave anything for the priest. And I think of David who says he won’t offer a sacrifice that costs him nothing. Yes, I know of a few people whose lives have been changed by Trading Fathers. Sales are a tiny trickle these days, though, and it feels nearly at the end of its useful life, though I have many hundreds of books left. Other writing hasn’t gotten much response, either.

Nor do I feel a great need or desire to write. Or even to speak. I will, if someone asks, but I’m reconsidering the whole enterprise.

 

I’m tired. Maybe I’ll feel differently in a year. God knows. Maybe this is one of God’s death/resurrection motifs.

Or maybe it’s just a death that I will grieve and go on to something else. In any case, my word for this year is “minister to those I put in front of you.” That’s the last word I’ve heard from God. Not necessarily the “last word” but the most recent.

In this vein, I’m suspending this devotional blog for a season. I’m on Facebook and Pinterest if you want to hear from me. There are more than three hundred devotionals on this website which will stay up. If you have feedback, I’m happy to hear from you. karenrabbitt at gmail.com.

Father, we need your wisdom, your guidance, your strength, your comfort. May your will be done here on earth, in our lives, as it is in heaven. For your glory, Amen.

 

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