“I could not believe you didn’t call. You were three hours late last night.” My client, “Ann,” (name and other details changed) shook her fist at her husband, “Allen.”
Sitting at the other end of the couch, Allen narrowed his eyes. “I didn’t call because I wasn’t sure I even wanted to come home.”
“Well, maybe I don’t even want you there, either.” She glared at him.
I’d been seeing this married couple for several weeks. This was a typical impasse. Both in the grip of marriage-threatening anger, they needed to get more honest about their underlying, more painful feelings. “Ann, what are you feeling, right now? I want you to quiet yourself for two minutes and listen to your body. Are your shoulders tense, how does your stomach feel–take an inventory. ” Turning to Allen, I repeated my instructions.
As I quieted myself, I prayed inwardly, “Lord Jesus, help them be vulnerable to each other. Help them be honest about the deeper feelings. The sadness, the fears, the disappointments, the lost hopes. Help them find each other again.”
Emotions are expressed in subjective feelings, in outward behavior, and in our bodies. Helping this couple access their body experience, I hoped, would help them access their more hidden feelings.
Anger is a secondary emotion. We get angry because we are sad or fearful. Disappointed, despairing, feeling rejected, and many other kinds of vulnerable feelings can be covered up with anger.
And, anger in an intimate relationship usually does not get us what we want. Anger creates distance. If we want closeness, we need to access and share the more honest fears and sadnesses that have built up in the relationship.
Lord Jesus, reveal our hearts to ourselves.
What an interesting thought about anger being a secondary emotion… I have never thought about it that way. I have spent quit a bit of time being angry about stuff going on at work this week. This email was quite helpful to me!
Janet
Janet, isn’t it wonderful when a new thought makes sense? Blessings to you!