Holding On

I've been waiting a long time for my book in my hand. What I'm waiting for is just around the corner. I've been here before, in other times of waiting. This is the time when I get tense and wish it was here, already. It's a familiar time, but not welcome.

Small things frustrate me. I want to eat chocolate. It is that time when I can finally let myself feel the anticipation/fear/excitement/frustration and whatever else vies for expression. I know the time is short.

Unlike a year ago, when I was also waiting. Then, I couldn't let myself feel anything. I had to keep on, keep plugging away, keep believing the goal would really be realized.

Now, however, I can afford the luxury of feeling. I won't wear myself out, like I would if I'd let myself feel all year. Now, the time is soon. The intensity of feeling won't be much longer. Relief is coming.

We're all waiting for something. We're waiting for the Kingdom to come. Waiting for a wedding. Waiting for a child. Waiting for a job. Waiting for peace. Waiting for joy. Waiting for hope. 

I'm enduring. We are enduring. Some days, that's all we do. We hold on–to the one who has hold of us.

And here's something fun I did while I'm waiting, using Wordle. This program makes a cloud display of the words you enter with size based on frequency of use. I notice "waiting" is pretty big.

(Tip: After the file opens, hit the button for rotating clockwise for easier reading)

http://www.wordle.net/

Poetry Words

Three Passionate Prayers that Saved my Life—and Might Save Yours

As a counselor, I’ve listened carefully to painful stories
of mistreatment. People have confessed deeply shameful sin. And I’ve encouraged
my clients to think objectively about their self-destructive patterns.

In Isaiah 9:6, Jesus is called a “wonderful counselor.” In
my own growth toward holiness, Jesus has been my counselor. I’ve poured out my
heart to him. I’ve been scrupulously honest, no matter how ashamed I’ve felt. And
I’ve asked Jesus to show me how he, the only objective observer, views my sin
and unbelief and fear, so I can see myself as he sees me.

Here are three of my passionate prayers:

1. “Where were you when I was suffering?” In childhood, I’d
been seriously mistreated. I wrestled with God for ten years about where he was
when I was abused. He showed me.

2.  “God, I hate you!”
Parenting challenged all my control issues. One day, I fell by the side of my
bed, gnashing my teeth because I couldn’t make my daughter behave. He delivered
me.

3. “I lay myself open before you. Clean me out, fill me up.”
Behind all my intense questioning of God, I knew he was my only hope for a
peaceful, powerful life. I still pray this often.

Be intense in our pursuit of God, be honest with him about
our feelings, and, with him, think objectively about our circumstances. These
three attitudes of prayer will save our emotional lives.

Beginning to Believe

I’m
fifty-eight. I’m beginning to believe in myself.

One of
the results of childhood abuse has been a difficulty with believing in my own
judgment. My childish belief, “I should have known not to go with my father
that terrible day,” has warped my self-image.

The
length of time this healing has taken is a measure of the depth of the
infirmity. God has taught me, with patient and persistent repetition, to
recognize my decision-making abilities.  (I
just edited the second sentence, from “one of the results is” to “one of the results has
been
.” That says it all.)

How hard
it is to see oneself with God’s objectivity. The sin against us, especially
against our vulnerable child selves, leaves subtle and lasting marks. Those
who’ve been neglected often feel worth less than their parent’s time:  worthless. Those who’ve been bullied by
classmates struggle with powerlessness. In this fallen world, we struggle with the
many consequences of others’ sin.

And yet,
God. God, who is making us into the image of Jesus. God, for whom nothing is
too difficult. God, who promises never to leave or forsake you. God, who
believes in you. That God is healing us, making us fit for his kingdom.

Father, show
us today how to cooperate in the healing you are working into our hearts.