“I feel bad.” In the other chair, my client slipped off her shoes and pulled her knees to her chest. Her blue jeans strained across her thighs. Her long brown hair fell across her tearful face.
I leaned forward. “Bad. Does that mean sad, disappointed, angry, irritated, anxious, fearful, confused, or something else?”
“I dunno. Maybe disappointed, but that doesn’t seem strong enough. We’ve been married ten years. I thought we were okay. Sure we have fights, doesn’t everybody? I don’t know why he wants a divorce. He says there isn’t anybody else, but I’m not sure I believe him. He doesn’t think I see him, but I notice him looking at other women.” She stared out the window. Last night’s snow still clung to the black branches of the courtyard maple.
“Disappointed begins to describe the feeling right now, but maybe it shades into something more intense, like despair?” A precise label would lead deeper into her heart.
“Yes, despair. That’s it. I don’t think there’s any hope. He was quite definite on Saturday that he was done. He slept on the couch that night and moved out Sunday. Now, I thank God we don’t have any children. All those years of praying and trying.” Still hugging her knees, she glanced at me before returning her gaze to the window.
“So, despair over the marriage. Maybe some relief over not putting a child through divorce.” Although I knew of her great sadness over her infertility, it made sense that she would also feel some relief now.
“Yes.” She rested her chin on her knees and wiped her eyes. (Photo is not of a client. Client scenario is a composite.)
Feelings can be confusing, mixed, and difficult to label. Recovery, though, involves naming the feelings. As we label the emotions, we can dig deeper into the issue to get at our beliefs. With a client like this, I would continue to probe at the meaning of the demise of this relationship. I’d want to know how it affected her faith, her sense of herself, and what story she was telling herself about it. She was just getting started in a process that, ideally, would lead to forgiveness.
Jesus, help us label our feelings.
Karen, Do you ever counsel over the phone? Not sure how forgiveness looks when the offense continues daily in the marriage. Reading your entry makes me realize that I still linger in the feeling of unfairness. I get the sacrifice and forgiveness bestowed on me by the One who loves me, but am stuck in the constant infliction of pain daily. Not sure if i am in a comfort zone of victimization or not. Thanks
Hi Sue,
Sorry to be so long to answer. I just now saw your note. No, I retired from doing individual counseling and focus on doing retreats and other speaking/writing.
A couple of thoughts for you that might help: Forgiveness does not mean we allow ourselves to be continually mistreated. Forgiveness means we give up the right to revenge. Following from that, setting boundaries is part of the process.
It is not good for the other person, not just for you, for you to allow someone to continually mistreat you. Setting boundaries is setting boundaries against sin.
To do that firmly but with a soft heart towards the offender is the trick. Sometimes, in a marriage, that even means separation. Anger is given to set those boundaries. Jesus set a boundary when he angrily threw out the moneychangers in the temple.
Two books: Dobson’s Love Must Be Tough and Cloud and Townsend’s Boundaries.
I would answer a follow-up question on email: karenrabbitt at gmail.com
Blessings to you,
Karen