I Am Still Waiting

 

At 18, I loved a poem by Lawerence Ferlinghetti:  “I Am Waiting.”

I was waiting for a way out

And for someone to hold me

for despair to take a hike

for the tears to stop

for the sun to rise

for somebody to tell me who I am

for an apology and an explanation

for something to fill the void

for a language of feelings

for someone to understand

for someone who wouldn’t let go

for a rainbow without the rain

for a place to scream

for the guts to keep going

for purpose

 

At 20, I began to wait for Jesus.

I am still waiting.

 

Best News Ever

If we get the emotional nurture we need in childhood, we move out of the house saying, “Hey, Mom and Dad, it’s been great. I’ll be in touch. Love you!”

If we don’t get the attention, affection, and respect we need as children, we leave our childhood home with two choices. We either look for parents everywhere or we grieve our losses and find God to be our real Father. It’s not that black and white, of course, but those are the three extremes.

At twenty years old, most of us don’t realize the losses. But perhaps we pull up the covers every night exhausted from working beyond our limits. Or we drift into drinking too much every weekend. Maybe we hang out with our college teachers because they give us attention. In the midst of those pursuits, we probably don’t realize that we are looking to fill a hole.

The healthier choice means we open our hearts to ourselves. Because we stop and think, we notice the voids. We start journaling. We pay attention to our sadness. We ask ourselves questions: “Why am I feeling so sad?” “Where did that anger come from? It seemed like an overreaction.” “Gee, I’m awfully anxious today. What’s that about?”

??????????Grieving starts with noticing the losses and telling ourselves the truth about inattention, emotional violence, and disrespect. It continues with identifying and feeling our feelings. Then we can decide whether or not we are willing to cancel the debt our parents owe us. We can decide if we’re willing to see our parents as weak, sinful people rather than powerful gods.

We can release our hope that we will someday get what we need from our parents. That’s key. Because the truth is, if they were willing and able to give us the attention, affection, and respect we deserved, they would have done it already. We can try to confront them and ask for what we need. A rare parent can respond and make the changes. Most won’t.

But Papa-God, the most excellent Father, gives us what we need. He suffers with us. He never leaves us alone. He holds our hand, every minute. He attends to us with gentleness and respect for our limitations and abilities. He disciplines, molds, and fills us with his life that lasts forever.  Papa-God’s smile fills the holes in our hearts. In an increasingly fatherless world, that is the best news ever.

Good Papa, thank you.

 

 

Abusers are Good at Evil

In the wake of the allegations against Penn State’s Jerry Sandusky, I give thanks for the national conversation about sexual violation. Is Mr. Sandusky guilty? I don’t know. He has the hallmarks of an abuser.  I’m also grateful that stories accusing others of abuse are being taken more seriously.

As we consider how to protect our own children and grandchildren,  Anna Salter’s book on offenders is an excellent, if disturbing, resource. Every parent would do well to read the last chapter on deflecting abusers. Not detection. Deflection. It’s a cultural mythology that we can recognize evil when we see it. We think we know someone is lying if they don’t look us in the eye. We think we can pick out a thief or a rapist. We want to believe we can pick out the person with private fantasies involving children. Salter says,however, that we cannot ascertain private behavior from public. Just because someone looks good doesn’t mean he is good.

Male Angel Pictures, Images and PhotosThe slick deception of which an abuser is capable can fool all of us. We don’t actually believe the scriptures that say Satan can disguise himself as an “angel of light” and that his followers can “masquerade as servants of righteousness.” II Corinthians 11:13-15. My abuser, my father, was a praying, church-going, hard-working, long-married husband.

Was he, is any, abuser completely evil? No. Only Satan himself is irredeemably evil. Even abusers are all mixtures of good and evil, just like the rest of us. But abusers aren’t honest. They seek to deceive and deflect and betray. And they are good at it.

Let the conversation continue as these cases proceed.

Father, bring your justice, please.