What’s There?

Visiting Portland this past spring, we took the train downtown several times. We like architecture and often comment on the details of an entryway or cornice or the design of a window. On the fourth or fifth trip, we began to notice new aspects of the passing scene. On the first few trips, we’d been focused on not missing our stop. The tension of a new environment had honed our observation to only what was needed, but as the tension was relieved, we began to see more of what was there.

American Robin Pictures, Images and PhotosThat reminded me of how I only in the last few years have noticed that robins have little white markings on their wings, visible when they fly. There were lots of robins on the farm when I grew up, but I never noticed them. I was focused on mere emotional survival. My hypervigilance about the danger from my father was like blinders. When I first noticed those markings, I wondered, “Why have I never seen those before?” I soon realized why. The tension of my childhood was long past by that point and I could now see what’s there in the environment, from the details of the birds to the impact of the sin.

If we grow up in a difficult family, we often cannot see what’s there, either the good or the evil. We perceive only what’s necessary to survive. We are utterly dependent on our parents. If the environment they create feels unsafe, we try to protect ourselves by whatever means possible. Hypervigilance feels protective, but constricts our perceptions. We might miss the robins entirely and we might misread the evil as good. Only as we look back will we be able to see what was really there.

Jesus, show us the truth about our childhoods. Give us courage to face reality.

 

What Sin is This?

“But we were a classic American family. That’s what my father said. We’d gather at the dinner table and he’d say, ‘What a great American family!'”

“And what was dinner like?” I leaned towards the young woman in the other chair. I’d been seeing her in therapy every week for a few months.

“Dinner was okay, I guess. Sometimes my oldest brother would tell me to close my mouth.” She shrugged.

“Close your mouth when you were eating?” I smiled.

“No, I knew that. I mean when I was just listening or taking my plate to the dishwasher or something.” She narrowed her eyes.

“How did that feel?” This wasn’t the first time I’d heard of nitpicking details this family had imposed on each other. Her mother took a white glove to my client’s dresser top every Saturday at noon and she was grounded all day if any dirt showed.

She raised her eyebrows. “It felt like I couldn’t even choose what expression to display on my own face. Like I had to do every detail the way somebody else wanted. Who cares if my mouth is open or closed? What earthly difference can it make?”

“Yes.” It was the first time I’d heard her anger. Previously, she’d been resigned or defensive if I questioned any of her family’s behavior. We went on to discuss more instances of overcontrol and perfectionism that had felt invalidating.

She’d come to me because she was depressed, to the point of overeating, oversleeping, and poor work performance. She had taken on her family’s perfectionism and criticism and used it toward herself. It took longer than she expected to learn to be easier on herself, but eventually, with much prayer and therapy, she did.

If the first step of forgiveness is to name the sin, where is the sin against my client (whose details have been changed to protect confidentiality)? Western culture has become so psychologized, we’ve lost the language for sin. But isn’t it sin to try to control every detail of someone else’s life? Where is the love in that? Love accepts non-sinful individual variation.

Isn’t it sin for a mother to expect an 8 year old to clean to a white-glove standard? Isn’t it a sin of hypocrisy for a father to proclaim greatness and ignore the unease in the family? Some of the most difficult clients I’ve worked with have come from families whose “family mythology” about themselves was, “We’re a great family,” when, in fact, they were not.

Did your family look anything like this? Were the sins subtle or hidden? If we want to find peace through forgiveness, we need to name the sin, first.

Father, show us the sin against us. Help us to see what you see. 

Name That Sin

Forgiveness begins with, “What is the sin?” That is what God calls us to forgive. We start with identifying the thoughts/words/actions that convey indifference to needs. In its broadest sense, sin is that which is not love–not in our own or someone else’s best interests.

Some of these happened to some of us. We need to ask the question:

Was it sin for my mother to leave me to take care of three younger siblings when she went out at night and I was ten years old?

Was it sin for my father to take me to the bars with him when I was twelve?

Was it sin for my brother to come to my room at night?

Was it sin for my spouse to divorce me?

Was it sin to scream at my daughter?

Is it sin when I damage my health through my own choices?

Is it a sin to be tired?

Is it sin to say “no?”

Fill in your own blanks:  Was/is it sin to ______________.

Defining sin can be confusing.  Identifying the sin we’ve done to ourselves or others have done to us can take months to years. Beyond even the difficulty of definition, a lot else gets in the way. Loyalty to family, denial, lack of self-awareness, stuffed feelings–all these can contribute to our blindness.

We need to see what Jesus sees. We can ask him to name the sin we have done to ourselves and the sin done against us.

We can’t forgive a sin we haven’t named. That’s step one of the process of forgiveness.

Jesus, name our sin and the sin against us. Help us be willing to forgive ourselves and others.