Search for Truth

 

More than forty years ago when I needed University-approved housing at the last minute, I took a cancellation at a boarding house in Champaign. One of those accidental roommates in that small triple room was God’s intentional means to draw me into his heart. This excerpt from my memoir, Trading Fathers, describes our first encounter:

“When I returned to Leeman Lodge, the roommate who’d claimed the single bed was kneeling next to it on the floor. She had long brown hair, lively brown eyes, and a full mouth. She glanced up and smiled. “Hi, I’m Mercedes. I’m praying. I’ll be with you in twenty minutes.”

“I’m Karen.” She probably saw my face fall before I ducked behind the chest that separated her bed from the bunks. I sat on the lower bunk, my head in my hands. Praying, huh? Right.

Jerry had warned me about those “Jesus freaks.” He’d gone up to DeKalb, to Northern Illinois University, to sell some handmade ceramic incense burners to the head shops. The Jesus freaks had accosted him and wouldn’t stop bothering him. Though he’d also been raised a Catholic, like me, he had stopped going to mass. Neither of us thought Jesus had anything to offer us.

I had, however, intensified my search for truth since that suicidal crisis on the day I first talked to Jerry. I had not yet heard “You shall know the truth and the truth will set you free,” but I instinctively longed to know what reality was solid enough to build a life on. But I was sure Jesus wasn’t it.”

I was nineteen years old and knew I was right. God was unknowable.

But God knew my proud and broken heart and within the next year, Jesus revealed himself to me.  In the intervening years, God has convinced me he’s not only knowable, but lovable.  The God revealed in his Son is the solid foundation of my life. Sometimes he’s confusing, he’s always mysterious, and occasionally, he’s confrontational. He’s also gentle, humble, and kind. I owe him everything.

What’s your story?

Father, thank you for Jesus and for the Holy Spirit who reveals truth to our hearts. Help us to hear your voice and sense your smile today. 

 

Recognize a Safe Person

 

“Find a safe person to process your pain with,” I wrote in Trauma Thoughts. Who’s a safe person? Some of us instinctively know who’s safe and who’s not, but others may find themselves repeatedly baring their souls to people who ignore or trample them.

If we need to develop skill in recognizing a trustworthy person, here are three questions:  “Is this person maintaining eye contact with me?” “Is her voice kind?” “Is he speaking truth?”  And listen to your own feelings. Do you feel safe? What do you expect them to say and do when you disclose your hidden pain?

bully Pictures, Images and PhotosIf you say, “Sometimes I still feel like a little kid getting bullied on the playground.” Will she say, “Oh, yeah, everybody goes through that. I was so scared, in third grade, of George…” and she sails off on her own tale, leaving you watching from the shore. Her indifference to your pain only adds pain.

Will she say, “You must have done something to deserve it.” Her cruelty will double the old pain. Nobody deserves bullying. Bullying is sadistic. Bullies get pleasure from your pain.

Or will he say, “I’m sorry that happened to you. Do you want to tell me more about it?” If he doesn’t have time then, he’ll say so but he’ll offer you a date when he is available. His attentiveness alone will lighten your load.

Pay attention to the clues others give. Ask God to provide a safe person for you. Don’t let your soul be trampled further by indifference or cruelty. Everyone, including you, deserves love.

How have you learned to distinguish safe people from unsafe people?

Resource:  Safe People

Father, help us to recognize trustworthy people. 

Looking Good

 

Does this sound familiar? You’re eight years old and your mother is sitting across the table from you. “What is the matter with you? Why didn’t you brush your hair before dinner? Your face is dirty, too.”

“I washed my hands,” you say, as you shrink down into your seat, embarrassed because it’s the first time your new friend, Alice, has come for dinner. She’s the girl in class who’s so popular you can’t believe she said yes. And now, a never-ending stream of corrections from Mom. Alice will never come back. You may not have words for your feelings, but if you did, you’d think:  “Why can’t Mom get off my case? I’m so humiliated.”

Mom, on the other hand, is unaware of her daughter’s feelings. She’s noticing the cut of this new little girl’s clothes, the style of her hair, and the big name family she comes from.  She’s so focused on her goal of getting her daughter to measure up, she doesn’t notice her methods are cutting her daughter’s heart.

While Mom’s intent may be somewhat constructive, her impact is destructive. Will Mom realize what she’s doing in time to repair the damage? Is this a pattern of expecting her children to be something they’re not in order to look good to the outside world? Is she aware of what she’s doing?

Probably no, yes, and no. I heard lots of stories like this in my years as a psychotherapist. Stories of families who wanted to look good rather than be good. Families who ridiculed their children in front of their peers. Families who pointed out deficiencies in public.

Most families are guilty of wanting to look good to the watching world. What looks good to the watching God is when we treat our children with respect and correct them privately and don’t humiliate them in front of their friends. God is more concerned about us measuring up to his parenting standards than our children’s brushed hair at the dinner table.

Father, we want to be good, not just look good. If we’ve been raised in a family who primarily wanted to look good, please heal our hearts. Thank you that you do not humiliate us. Let us sense your accepting love today, for Jesus’ sake. Amen.